Are you playing to win or playing not to lose?

It was December 2023, I was standing on the stoep of our newly built barn-style house in Jamestown. I was surrounded by the Stellenbosch mountains. A 10-year dream come true. I should have been ecstatic, instead, I was absolutely shattered.

I was confronted with a tough truth. Here I was, chasing my dreams yet still burning out like I did six years ago. Then I could blame the bully, now what? I was the only constant factor - my inner bully demanding perfection because deep down I didn't believe I was enough.

I've learnt to recognise three different ways I show up in my life and work.

When I'm playing to win, I go after what I want from wholeness. I manage my energy like it's my greatest currency. I show up peaceful, present and powerful. I can do hard things with ease because I'm not fighting an inner battle.

When I'm playing to win at all costs, I'm proving myself from fear. Drowning in busyness, pushing through exhaustion, treating my body like a machine. My worth gets tied to productivity. This was me in December 2023 - chasing dreams but from a place of scarcity.

When I'm playing not to lose, I stay small, play it safe, avoid risk. I dim my light to stay comfortable. I choose security over growth. I hide behind clever language instead of being brutally clear about what I offer.

Recognising which mode I'm in - that's the first step of the ROAR process. Because I can't change what I don't see.

This is where the MOAR Paradox comes in

As I recovered from that December burnout, two truths crystallised: yes, I am meant for more, but I'm also more than enough. I have nothing to prove.

I'd been living mostly in the 'meant for more' energy - constantly striving, always pushing - and rarely sat in the 'more than enough' energy - taking time to rest, to reconnect with myself, to just be. That's what was exhausting me.

This is the MOAR Paradox. Not choosing between these truths, but learning to hold both simultaneously. That's when you can truly play to win - pursuing big dreams from a place of already being whole.

My dreams and success were fine. I needed to change how I was hustling toward them. Slowly, I became determined to find a new playbook: to consistently show up more present, peaceful and powerful.

Messy middle alert: I changed MOAR! subtitle last week

Even now, as I'm finishing MOAR!, I'm discovering new layers of what playing to win really means.

Last week, I met with a publisher. She looked at my book subtitle - "Your Hero's Journey to Making Work Magic Inside and Out" - and said, "It's too clever. Someone who doesn't know you won't understand what problem you're solving. They probably won't buy it."

I was hit for six. I loved that subtitle. It felt sophisticated, meaningful, true to my work.

But she was right. I was playing it safe behind clever language that protected me. I was being obtuse when I needed to be clear.

So I changed it. "How to Play to Win Without Burning Out."

This is what playing to win actually looks like in practice - being willing to pivot when being clever becomes confusing; admitting you got it wrong the first time.

Which play-mode are you in?

If you're already playing to win from a place of wholeness, if you manage your energy strategically and achieve your goals without burning out, I want to take a moment to celebrate you. You're proof it's possible.

But if you're in survival mode, if you have a tendency to try and please others, prove yourself, or be perfect, it's time to hold the mirror up and get honest.

What are you so afraid of losing that you won't risk winning?

I want you to know this. You are meant for MOAR and you are MORE than enough already. 

Believe it.

To play to win you have to take bold, brave messy action and start operating from a place of wholeness.

___

MOAR! How to Play to Win Without Burning Out launches on 26 February 2026. The full story of how I learned to ROAR for MOAR is coming soon.

Join the waiting list at https://www.marilise-de-villiers.com/join-the-waitlist-to-get-moar to be the first to know when it's available.

No more playing small. Own your magic. Your message matters.