How comfortable are you being uncomfortable?

Welcome

Hello beautiful people,

As I reflect on July (and part of August... gosh how time flies), I was confronted many times with the reality that my life looks nothing like four years ago. On 29 August it will be exactly four years since my youngest son Andreas, thirteen at the time, boarded a plane with my mom and came to South Africa, four months ahead of the rest of us. I am still in awe of how brave he was. 

I am navigating a season in my life, and in my business, where everything is radically different. There is lots of uncertainty and I am out of my comfort zone a lot. I have been asking myself some big questions like: how do I know that I am on my path? How do I know that I am really doing the right things?

The honest answer is that I am figuring it out one day at a time. My word for 2026 is patience, and the words 'patience is a virtue' still triggers me. I feel it viscerally, and every day is an opportunity to redefine my relationship with patience as:

• Active choice: choosing where to look, rather than waiting powerlessly
• Emotional boundary: protecting my inner peace from outside chaos
• Energy management: saving my fire for things I can actually change
• Self-compassion: giving myself room to grow at my own pace.

So in this month's newsletter I am sharing some of the beautiful experiences I have had with incredible people over the last six weeks or so, and the things I am learning as I take messy, imperfect action in this crazy world we live in.

By the way: July was also my birthday month, and on 29 July this Leo entered her last year as a forty something. Thank you for every birthday message, I appreciate it very much. And while you are at it, send a little luck my way: on 15 August my sister Elsabet and I take on our second Hyrox Doubles at the Cape Town International Convention Centre (CTICC).

And a happy Women's Month to every South African woman reading this. Let us continue to remember the historic 1956 march, where over twenty thousand women protested against the apartheid pass laws at the Union Buildings. National Women's Day is celebrated on 9 August each year, and this year marks its seventieth anniversary, under the theme 'Empowered Women, Empower Nations'.

Keep showing up messy and imperfect. Keep roaring.

With much love and deep gratitude,

Marilise

Every crossroads confronts you with these questions

If you are familiar with the ROAR for MOAR Hero's Journey, you will know that every call to adventure starts with a mirror and a map. Here are the steps:

• Step 1: Hold up the mirror and get honest
• Step 2: Who do you want to be, what do you want and why?

I often share the three steps I took to get my life back on track after I left my corporate career because of a work bully:

1. Get honest
2. Get clear
3. Get help

I am asking these questions in my business all over again. I have had three careers. I qualified as a chartered accountant many moons ago, worked in the finance transformation space for more than a decade, before I pivoted into cyber security awareness, culture and training in 2010. Today I am still working as a cyber security consultant, and I am also now a keynote speaker, author, and certified high performance coach. That is a lot.

So I sat down with people I trust and asked: how do I describe work that spans all of that without sounding like I do everything, and therefore nothing. In other words, how do I niche? The advice, reasonably, was to choose. That is my crossroads currently, and I am doing my best to stay patient, to show up, do the 'thing' and trust that the answers will come.

What I did get clear on is my why, and how it spans everything I do. I wrote about it in my weekly blog titled 'Where ROAR! comes from'. Please note: there is a trigger warning.

This is why my conversations with the incredible Pierre du Plessis, founder of Be Brave, have been so valuable.

On 22 July I watched Pierre on stage sharing his keynote 'Only the Brave' at a Suits and Sneakers event at The Tryst in Woodstock. The next week Pierre was a guest on the ROAR for MOAR podcast. Pierre invites us to first ask: who am I? Then ask: what do I want to do? He uses this formula:

WHO > WHAT

Can you see how these align with Step 2 of the ROAR for MOAR Hero's Journey: who do I want to be, what do I want, and why?

Pierre shares a moment of standing at a fork in a farm road in the Northern Cape in the middle of the night. He stood there for an hour and a half, unable to decide, and eventually turned back. He had been waiting for someone to come and tell him which way to go. Nobody came.

Pierre goes further. He says that when you get all the way down to who you are, the answer is not a job title or an achievement. It is: I belong. I am loved. I am enough.

And then he shares a tough truth: knowing you're enough is worthless if you do not act on it. This is the MOAR Paradox: you are meant for more, and you are already more than enough.

It's time to hold up the mirror and get honest. Ask yourself these questions. Nobody can save you, only you can decide. And that's the tough, but also the exciting, truth..

Once you've decided, cross the threshold and go on your quest for adventure by taking massive, messy, and imperfect action.

Note: The full ROAR for MOAR podcast with Pierre will be released in the next few days, so watch this space. Subscribe to the podcast if you don't want to miss it Subscribe here

Why the middle feels messy

On 16 July I delivered the second of a two-part clarity and productivity workshop for a US accounting firm, alongside my friend and colleague Jennifer Cavender. The first part was about clarity: who you are, what you want, and why. The second part went deeper into energy and productivity: how you generate energy daily, and how to win the day by focusing on the things that move the needle the most.

I shared the science of the brain, what actually happens when you set a goal, and I want to share it with you here because it will help you with 'the how' of getting comfortable feeling uncomfortable.

1. Safety first. Our brains are wired for safety. Every time you want to move out of your current comfort zone, the stress response centre in your brain activates. All the resistance is doing, is protecting you from the danger it thinks it has detected.
2. Your brain wants to conserve energy. When you are using conscious capital, or attention units, like you are right now reading this newsletter, know that you only have a finite number of units. Any time you get outside your attention span, you have to use willpower to stay focused. You have to use that persistence muscle, and it is limited. Your desire to check out may be high.
3. Dissonance. This is the difference between where you are and where you want to be. It is that gap of uncertainty, of unpleasant emotions, disempowering thoughts and disempowering behaviours. Any time you have self-doubt, fears or uncertainty, or you are lacking a strategy or a plan, there is dissonance in the brain, because there is not yet a pathway from A to B.

You want to recognise when there is dissonance, because when you feel that way, one of two emotions usually comes up. Overwhelm and confusion. 

4. Overwhelm. When the brain says: 'There is too much here.' Stop, and recalibrate into an organised, sequential plan of what must happen first, second, third. Overwhelm feels like everything is happening at once while you try to keep track of it in your head. Take it out of your head and make a plan for the next hour, the next two, the next four. Put it onto paper or a screen where you can stand apart from it. And do not forget your breathing.
5. Confusion. Confusion means concepts getting fused. Whenever you are learning something new, and you are curious, and you are having fun, and you are participating, you are forming new connections in the brain. Those concepts getting fused require energy, and when you are in energy depletion, guess what happens? 

That is you actually growing. So get comfortable feeling uncomfortable. Get comfortable feeling confused. Get organised when you are overwhelmed. It is like planting seeds. It takes time for them to germinate and take root before anything sprouts and grows into a flower or a beautiful tree.

Most people set goals across health, wealth, relationships, career, finances, and then get overwhelmed. Set one goal with three things you will do towards it, keep it to this week or the next. Keep it to today if necessary.

And remember: have some grace and patience with yourself.

There are two more important things that got me through the last few weeks.

• Reaching out. When you are low, when you are spiralling, when you cannot see the way through, go to the people who know you and let them ask you the things you would not ask yourself. Every bit of clarity in my July came from a conversation with someone.
• Moving daily. Exercise. Sleep and eat well. I'm having so much fun dying slowly (LOL) with Elsabet every Saturday at FitLife in Paarl as we get ready for Hyrox. Take your daily M.E.D.S. (Meditation, Exercise, Diet, Sleep). Download my Rest, Release, Recharge guide here.

1% better than yesterday

My inspiration for this month's theme was sparked by a Monday morning motivational moment I did for the MiDO team. I am an ambassador for the MiDO Foundation, which focuses on digital enablement for our youth. They do amazing work. Lee Saul invited me to talk about the theme of 'it is a marathon, not a sprint', with the idea of giving the team some inspiration to finish the second half of the year strong.

This is where I invited everyone to hold up the mirror and get honest. Be 1% better than yesterday. One step at a time. Meet yourself where you are at. And take your daily M.E.D.S., because those daily habits are what help us show up as this 1% better version of ourselves every day.

It is also the practical answer to get comfortable when you feel uncomfortable. 

Attending a family friend's funeral in Bredasdorp put everything into perspective.

The pastor asked us to reflect on the legacy that we want to leave. He specifically invited us to think about what we want people to say about us at our own funeral, and to write our own eulogy. More importantly, he invited us to live that way every day.

Which comes down to a decision, and acting on it. Not once things are clear and comfortable. Today.

Four years ago that decision was a big one. To come home to South Africa after almost two decades in the UK, long before anything was clear. It didn't make a lot of logical sense, and was extremely uncomfortable, but it answered who I want to be, what I want to do, and why. Today my life is unrecognisable.

The decisions can also look like small moments of giving back to your community. A morning with little ones on your birthday, handing out cupcakes and seeing their sheer joy. A beautiful couple of hours with an incredible group of students at the University of the Western Cape. Empowering a room full of Klapmuts women during Women's Month.

Why? Because the little things aren't the big things, the little things are everything.

So I’ll leave you with this question: What is the next brave step you can take with what you have, right here, right now?

You don't have to wait to be comfortable.

In Other News

Lekker Learnings with Kevin Joseph. We covered the four-step ROAR process, the fawn response, a conflict style nobody talks about. Watch it here.

Resilience Unplugged with Toni Bowker. Toni is co-founder and chief executive of Resilience Technologies Group, and we went straight at the question so many high performers are asking quietly: is this it? Listen here.

July blogs you may have missed.

• 'AI doesn't have a nervous system. That's your advantage.' my ROAR for MOAR conversation with Joanne Perold of Fathom, on capacity as the leadership skill nobody lists.
• 'One thousand pieces of magic', written after building a thousand-piece puzzle with my mom in Hermanus, which turned out to be the whole ROAR for MOAR Hero's Journey on a dining room table.

About ROAR! and MOAR!

In ROAR! How to Tame the Bully Inside and Out (December 2019), I tackle the silent damage bullying causes, in the workplace, online, and in everyday life. The book helps readers recognise toxic behaviour, understand the dynamics between bully, victim and culture, and respond with confidence and clarity rather than fear or avoidance. I wrote it after discovering, the hard way, just how common and costly workplace bullying really is.

Get your copy of ROAR! here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1781334277

In MOAR! How to Play to Win Without Burning Out (February 2026), I turn to burnout, exhaustion and the quiet emptiness so many high achievers feel despite their success. Rather than treating symptoms, MOAR! introduces practical frameworks, including the Wellbeing Trio, the four-step ROAR process and the ROAR for MOAR Hero's Journey, to help readers lead with authenticity, build thriving cultures and reclaim their energy and voice.

Get your copy of MOAR! here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1049244788

For South African readers, ROAR! and MOAR! are available in bookstores nationwide, most notably Exclusive Books.

If you would like a signed copy sent directly from me, email marilise@marilise-de-villiers.com (R350 per book, plus R50 postage).