Spotting unhealthy empath and narcissist behaviours

People-pleasing or power-grabbing? 

Courageous conversations about the things that get in the way of our relationships at work

Welcome to part two of the Empaths and Narcissists series. If you missed part one, you can read it here: https://www.marilise-de-villiers.com/blog/introducing-the-empaths-and-narcissists-series

In part one, I introduced Dr Craig Malkin's Narcissism Spectrum Scale, and a surprising truth: we're all narcissistic from time to time. Dr Malkin defines narcissism as a normal, pervasive human tendency: the drive to feel special. We all have it to a greater or lesser extent. That's why we all move up and down the Narcissism Spectrum Scale many times a day. Let's recap:

On the left of the scale sits echoism. Dr Malkin describes echoists as people who are afraid of seeming special, so they shrink their own needs to make room for everyone else's. Many are what we'd call empaths: people who feel the emotions of others so deeply that they lose track of their own. 'Empath' isn't a clinical term, but it's one most of us recognise.

In the middle sits a healthy five: feeling good about ourselves, while still caring about others. This is where we thrive, and it's where my ROAR! Blueprint lives: a guide to living your best life every day, on purpose, in your power, and with the courage to speak your truth.

On the right of the scale sits narcissism. Here, the drive to feel special grows stronger. At the far end of the scale, it becomes an addiction to feeling special, often at the expense of others. In everyday language, we call people who behave this way narcissists. In its most extreme form, it's a clinical diagnosis, narcissistic personality disorder, and only a professional can make it.

In part two, I want to help you spot the unhealthy versions of both, in yourself and in others, at work.

Awareness is everything. You can't change a pattern you don't recognise. This is why Recognise is step one of my four-step ROAR process (Recognise, Observe, Assert, Redirect). And once you see it, it takes courage to say something. Because if these unhealthy behaviours are left unchecked, they quietly turn a workplace toxic, and it's often the kindest, most capable, emotionally intelligent people who pay the biggest price. That's exactly why I'm running this series: courageous conversations about the things that get in the way of our relationships at work.

Empaths: wired for feeling

 In ROAR!, I describe subtle echoists as people-pleasers, a category I fall into from time to time.

Healthy empathy is a gift. A healthy empath can feel deeply and still hold their boundaries. The trouble starts when other people's emotions start running the show. Here are the signs to look out for:

• Other people's moods take over yours. A colleague walks in tense, and suddenly you're tense too.
• You lose yourself. Your own needs and opinions quietly disappear around certain people.
• You pick up the slack and fix other people's problems, even when they aren't yours to fix.
• Saying no to one more project feels terrifying, because you're afraid of letting people down.
• You pick up on everything that's left unsaid, and you can't let it go.

I recognise so many of these in myself. With my bully, in my attempt to please him and prove my worth, trying to fix problems that weren't fixable, I started bullying myself. For a very long time I suffered in silence, because I thought I was the problem.

Narcissists: the drive to feel special

In ROAR!, I describe the most toxic narcissists as bullies who build themselves up by humiliating other people. Here are the signs to look out for:

• Grandiosity and self-importance, sometimes including exaggerated achievements.
• A constant need for attention and praise. Watch how their mood lifts when the boss notices them.
• Entitlement: taking credit for your work, and a willingness to exploit others to win at all costs.
• A lack of emotional empathy. They may understand how you feel, but their concern isn't sincere. They respond in whatever way serves them.
• Envy and arrogance, which can turn destructive when someone else shines.
• Manipulation: gaslighting, shifting blame when a project goes wrong, and leaving you doubting your own memory.

That last one is so damaging. In ROAR!, I write that bullies are master manipulators who mess with people's heads. At their most toxic, they make you doubt yourself and your value as a human being.

Snakes in suits: when empathy becomes a weapon

Some narcissistic behaviour is easy to spot. In ROAR!, I describe the 'brash bastard': the loud voice, the standing over people, the finger pointing. Other behaviour is much harder to see. Covert bullies are snakes in suits: less 'in your face', but extremely poisonous. They may come across as insecure or sensitive, and use guilt to get their way.

This is where it gets confusing, because not all narcissists lack empathy. Psychologists describe a type of empathy called cognitive empathy, where a person understands what someone else feels, without necessarily feeling it themselves. Some people have plenty of cognitive empathy. They can read a room, and you, very accurately, and use what they read to manipulate you or, worse, to weaponise your feelings against you. Researchers call people like this 'dark empaths'. It's why true empaths are so often blindsided: we assume that someone who understands us must also care about us.

Look in the mirror first

Here's the courageous part. As you read these lists, you may have thought of someone straight away. Did you also recognise yourself?

I know I slide up and down the Narcissism Spectrum Scale many times a day. When I'm stressed, I often fight narcissism with narcissism. Noticing where we go is where the change begins.

Try this: this week, notice one moment at work when you felt yourself sliding. Did you go quiet to keep the peace? Did you need to prove you were right? Did you fight narcissism with narcissism? Just notice it, without judgement. That's the first step of ROAR: Recognise.

Coming up

In part three, we'll look at how these traits play out in our relationships at work, and why so many of us keep getting drawn into unhealthy dynamics. I'll also introduce the toxic trio: a bully, a victim, and a workplace culture that is a breeding ground for bullying behaviour. I first wrote about it in my book ROAR! And we'll explore how to navigate these courageous conversations, using my four-step ROAR process.

Care note: If any of this feels too close to home right now, please be kind to yourself. Step away, take a walk, or do whatever fills your cup. If you need to, reach out for help.

P.S. Is there anything you'd like me to explore in this series? Send me a message or comment below.