The never ending discussion ... winner VS loser trap ...

As humans, we have a build in need to prove ourselves right! 

My experience has taught me how to listen and filter out noise, its taken time but now that I know what I know, there isn't space in the workplace for leaders who operate based on the typical 'winner VS loser' trap. 

Let me paint a picture ...

Think about how we automatically view the person who changes their mind in a meeting. The question is do you take on board their argument and think, yes that's a good argument? Or do you think OH my, here we go?

You know, that annoying habit where we argue for the sake of arguing just to prove ourselves right? And then we continue even though others have agreed with us and are ready to move on to the next point ... oh my, here we go again ...

This need, this drive exists in all of us. 

The issue is that human pride and ego take over when we publicly commit ourselves to a course of action. Rather than feel like its ok to review our actions in our weekly meetings and be open about how things are going to find solutions to problems and move forward, there is a very real fear that we will be dragged through the mud for being inconsistent, indecisive, and generally unfit to be the leader we are expected to be. This was my scenario ... I knew we had to review progress but dreaded the process because I knew I would feel like a failure by the end of the meeting.

As a result, we land in the 'Winner VS Loser' trap and the discussion never ends!

Feeling like a rabbit in headlights we tend to get defensive and try to prove ourselves right, easily undervaluing any evidence that contradicts our beliefs and overvaluing evidence that confirms them. We filter out any inconvenient truths and arguments and as a result, we take it a step further and shut others down, when they challenge our beliefs by assuming that our arguments are true unless proven false and we get into the trap of proving ourselves right and going around and around in circles.

This trap is something we automatically fall into or witness and for those of us who are aware - it can be irritating and amusing at the same time watching our colleagues go around and around, discussing and debating just to prove their point to be given the award of "you are right!". The three words that stop a looping conversation in its tracks - and open the floor to the discussion - try it next time you find yourself in that position ... 

For a team to succeed and work together and deliver, on time and within budget, the 'I win you lose' scenario simply can't work.

We stand to alienate our colleagues when we behave like this, we shut down the conversation and start being ignored. The people in our teams no longer listen or engage because they are continually put down and made to feel like the loser! and guess what, the project fails and team members end up feeling unhappy and dissatisfied. 

There is no "I" in the word "team" ... yes, we've heard it before!

In my experience the solution is simple: flip the discussion on its head and attempt to prove yourself wrong. When our focus shifts from proving ourselves right to proving ourselves wrong, we look for other solutions, we unknowingly challenge our beliefs and biases and open up the floor to finding the best solution ... the challenge is in developing a culture of openness and support in our organisations. A culture where the 'I WIN therefore You LOSE' 'modus operandi' is no longer tolerated. 

Sound familiar?  

If you are struggling with a difficult situation at work and this story has resonated with you then I would love to hear more about your experiences and would like to invite you to complete my survey or message me with more details about your story.

Please CLICK HERE to complete my survey.

If you want to know a little more about it then please scroll down and read more below.

INVITATION TO PARTICIPATE IN MY STUDY ON WORKPLACE CULTURE

I need your support, please. I am conducting a study for my book, Roar! How to tame the bully, and I would be very grateful if you would participate in my study.

In my eBook, you will have read about my own experience with workplace bullying and its toll on my relationships and my health (mentally and physically). That is why I am determined to help others recognise the signs of workplace bullying early on and to take action before it is too late.

If you have worked in a situation where you have been the Witness or Target of:

1. behaviour that is intentionally negative and malicious, whether physical or emotional, from one or more persons,
2. negative behaviour that is consistently aggressive and persistent, and
3. behaviour that is driven by another person’s desire to obtain control.

Then I would like to invite you to participate in this study.

This survey is being sent to individuals working in organisations across all industries worldwide. Your participation will help assure that the results generated present an accurate reflection of the prevalence of bullying behaviour in workplace cultures today.

TO COMPLETE THE SURVEY - CLICK HERE

The survey is anonymous and treated in the strictest confidence. You may refuse to answer any question or quit the survey at any time. It will take approximately 10-20 minutes to complete.

I’d love to get industry and country-specific analysis too, so the more responses I get, the better, so please feel free to send this link to your colleagues.

Thank you in advance,

Marilise de Villiers

TO COMPLETE THE SURVEY - CLICK HERE

PS: Although there may be no direct benefit to the participant, there are possible benefits to organisations and society as a whole. Leaders, managers, and human resource personnel may learn techniques for identifying, investigating, and managing workplace bullying. Potential benefits to employees would include improved mental, physical and emotional well-being. Raising awareness of workplace bullying could potentially benefit leaders and organisations by increasing employee engagement and productivity.