Part One: Are you serving others your energy on a silver platter?

The impact of difficult relationships and communication on our mind, body and energy systems

Two out of three people are experiencing burnout right now. Does this surprise you? If not, you may even recognise yourself in that number.

We know the usual suspects: workload, long hours, poor sleep, not enough recovery time. But what I see in leaders and teams every day are how strained relationships and difficult conversations, especially those we keep avoiding, are quietly burning people out. We are simply not paying enough attention. 

A few years ago, during a consulting engagement with a large bank, I found myself dreading interactions with a team member. The dynamic was draining me, and I recognised how his ego (and mine) led to numerous heated moments. One morning, after yet another ‘battle of messages’ I said to my manager: ‘That person is such an energy vampire.’

She looked me straight in the eye and asked: ‘Why are you serving your energy to him on a platter?’

The irony was not lost on me. I smiled and nodded. By then I was writing ROAR! How to Tame the Bully Inside and Out at the time – and I was specifically writing about workplace bullying in the context of narcissism (more about this further down). Both my colleague and I allowed our egos to get in the way; these were classic moments of subtle narcissistic behaviour. Not only was I writing about it, but I was also living it. A timely mirror moment.

And I see this dynamic play out in boardrooms, open-plan offices and kitchen tables. The tension that builds silently. The email you drafted and deleted. The meeting where everyone ignored the elephant in the room. The slow accumulation of unaddressed friction that, over time, taxes your mind, your body and your energy in ways that no amount of sleep or exercise can fully repair.

Most people know their workload is too heavy. Fewer recognise just how much conflict with a manager, colleague or someone at home is quietly diminishing their mind, body and energy systems. I call these 'systems' because they function as interconnected, dynamic networks that constantly influence each other. Your mental state has a direct impact on your physical energy. Your body's condition affects your mind's clarity. Your energy levels determine how both your mind and body perform. When one is compromised, everything else suffers. Difficult relationships and unresolved communication tax all three simultaneously. But the damage is largely invisible and accumulates quietly until the tank runs dry.

Why some relationships drain you, how our egos get in the way 

When I was researching ROAR! How to Tame the Bully Inside and Out, trying to make sense of my bully's behaviour and my own, I discovered the work of psychologist Dr Craig Malkin. His Narcissism Spectrum Scale reframes narcissism not as a character flaw but as a normal, pervasive human tendency: the drive to feel special. Narcissism exists on a scale of one to ten of possible expressions.

At five sits healthy narcissism. We all need a dose of healthy narcissism to dream big, and take bold, brave action to make our dreams a reality. It's confidence without contempt, ambition without entitlement. This is also the heart of the ROAR! Blueprint where you can live your best life every day: on purpose, in your power and with the courage to speak your truth. More on that shortly.

In MOAR! How to Play to Win Without Burning Out, I go deeper. Drawing on Jungian psychology, I introduce four archetypes, 1. King/Queen, 2. Warrior, 3. Lover and 4. Magician. They are your inner guides to self-mastery. 

When you overlay these archetypes with the Narcissism Spectrum Scale you can see how each archetype has a healthy, authentic side (at five on the spectrum), and two shadows on either side that emerges when the ego takes over. The further from five, the more energy the relationship costs.

• As the ego inflates towards ten (narcissism), entitlement, exploitation and contempt take over. 1. King/Queen becomes the Tyrant, 2. Warrior becomes the Martyr, 3. Lover becomes the Addict, and 4. Magician becomes the Manipulator. These are the people who create chaos and leave destruction in their wake.
• As the ego deflates towards one (echoism), people give until there is nothing left. 1. King/Queen becomes the Weakling, 2. Warrior becomes the Victim, 3. Lover becomes the Stoic, 4. Magician becomes the Dummy. Shrinking to make others comfortable, invisible by choice. 

Can you recognise where the people draining you sit on this spectrum? 

Which number do you tend to go to when you’re put under pressure, or when the ego gets in the way? 

In a draining relationship, it is always one or more of the archetype shadows clashing.

Using the ROAR! Blueprint to transform your relationships

The ROAR! Blueprint consists of four elements:

1. Authentic purpose: Ignite your authentic purpose. Know who you are and what truly matters to you.
2. Inner game: Win your inner game by mastering your thoughts and feelings.
3. Outer game: Win your outer game through your words and actions.
4. Authentic ROAR: Amplify your authentic voice with the four-step ROAR process: Recognise, Observe, Assert, Redirect.

The relationship dynamics we are about to explore sit across all four elements. It starts with you, on the inside.

• Ignite your authentic purpose: know your beliefs and values

Every relationship should start with knowing the extent to which our beliefs and values align. When you are clear on what you stand for, what your non-negotiables are, and the way you want to treat others or be treated, you gain a reliable compass for the relationships worth investing in and the ones quietly costing you more than you realise. 

Misalignment between your values and the culture or people around you is one of the most invisible and most expensive energy drains of all. 

Know your beliefs and values, because they become your thoughts, words, actions, and ultimately your destiny.

• Win your inner game: recognise the conversation you are having with yourself

The most exhausting part of a strained relationship is rarely the relationship itself. It is the conversation you have with yourself about it.

The overthinking. The meaning-making. The loop that runs over and over again: was it something I said? Should I have handled it differently? Am I the problem? Are they? There is this endless internal negotiation between ‘I am okay and they are not’ or ‘they are okay and I am not’… 

…and it compounds. Because when we avoid the difficult conversation, the internal conversation just gets louder and louder. I often find myself mentally exhausted. I’m convinced it’s worse than physical exhaustion after a gruelling workout.  

Stand guard at the door of your mind to recognise and reframe the old stories, limiting beliefs and lies you’ve been telling yourself

• Win your outer game: recognise the battery chargers versus drainers

Think about the people in your life who leave you feeling energised after an interaction: clearer, lighter, more capable. Now think about the ones who leave you feeling flat, second-guessing yourself, or quietly resentful. Recognising who charges your batteries and who drains them is the beginning of protecting your energy deliberately. Spending more time with people who energise you and less with those who do not is not selfish. It is how you stay resourced enough to show up fully for the people and work that matter most.

Healthy boundaries are not walls. They are the decisions you make about where your attention goes. Where attention goes, energy flows.  

• Authentic ROAR: face the difficult conversation courageously

Most of us know we need to have difficult conversations, but we avoid them like a plague hoping the problems will go away. You know and I know that they don’t, so my invitation to you is to be courageous, to take imperfect action and to face the difficult conversation head-on. Here is how you can do it.

In their book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen of the Harvard Negotiation Project studied hundreds of conversations and discovered that no matter what the subject, our thoughts and feelings fall into the same three categories:

• The ‘what happened?’ conversation. Disagreement about what has happened or what should happen. Who said what, who did what, who’s right, who’s to blame. The challenge is that the situation is always more complex than either person can see.
• The feelings conversation. Every difficult conversation asks questions about feelings. Are my feelings valid? What do I do about the other person’s feelings? Feelings are rarely addressed directly, but they are leaked anyway.
• The identity conversation. The conversation we each have with ourselves about what this situation means to us. Is this telling me I am competent or incompetent, a good person or bad, worthy of love or unloveable? Our answers determine whether we feel balanced during the conversation, or off-centre and anxious.

Understanding which conversation you are actually in is a powerful first step.

Most of us enter a difficult conversation wanting to deliver a message: to prove a point, give someone a piece of our mind, or get them to do what we want. We enter a battle of messages. The opportunity for a more productive, win-win conversation is to shift from a battle of messages to a learning conversation: understanding the other person’s point of view, sharing your own, acknowledging feelings, and working together to find a way forward.

Three mindset prompts will help you get there:

• Be curious, not furious. Approach the conversation as a learning conversation, not a conflict. Ask questions before making assumptions. The moment you get curious about the other person’s experience, the dynamic shifts.
• I’m OK, you’re OK. We each hold a view of our own worth and a view of the other person’s worth. Maintaining positive regard for yourself and for the other person is absolutely crucial in any conversation. Not superiority, not submission. Two people who are both worthy of respect, having an honest conversation.
• I think on my feet. Develop situational awareness: what is going on in the room, what could happen, what just happened. Be prepared for different points of view and be ready to adapt.

Next week I go deeper into the practical application of the four-step ROAR process: Recognise, Observe, Assert, Redirect.

Not sure where to start? 

The moment you recognise that a relationship is draining your energy, and that you have a choice in how you respond to it, you reclaim your power. That recognition is not accidental. It is the first step of the ROAR process: Recognise. From that single moment of awareness, the shift begins: from victim to creator, from reaction to response, from serving others your energy on a silver platter to choosing where to direct your focus and energy.

But you cannot do any of this on empty. Take your daily M.E.D.S. (Meditation, Exercise, Diet and Sleep). Prioritising your wellbeing is not selfish, it’s actually the best thing you can do for those around you as well. Find what works for you and develop consistent routines and habits – make them non-negotiables. You thriving helps everyone else around you thrive!

The Rest, Release and Recharge guide is a practical starting point. Download it here.