Have your found your ROAR!? Transcript of my TEDx talk

I’d like to invite you into the boardroom with me. Take a seat and meet my team. We are just waiting for the Managing Director to arrive. Oh, there he is ... He walks in, takes a seat, and casually announces: “Marilise is going to work on this project full time until it is delivered. I’ll be stepping in to manage the portfolio, so you will all be reporting to me.”

At this point, I am feeling pretty defeated, but I tell myself: “Marilise it’s OK. This is just temporary. Things will be back to normal soon.” Then he drops the bombshell: “I am happy to announce the imminent arrival of a new director and I’ll be making formal announcement in the coming days.” 

It literally feels like being punched in the stomach 👊

“So, what’s happening with Marilise’s role?”, a team member asks. He casually replies: “That role no longer exists.”

Another punch 👊

By now, I am in complete survival mode. I swallow back my tears. I can feel another anxiety attack coming. Breathe Marilise, breathe. 

Paralysed with shame ... I sit there ... frozen ...

I barely make it to the bathroom afterwards where I cry my eyes out. Then, I look up. I see myself in the mirror – I really see me – for the first time in months. And I hear a voice inside me say: Enough is enough.

I quit the next day.

Why didn’t I speak up in that meeting? Where was my ROAR!?

I blamed myself. I felt like a failure.

I tried so hard to prove myself. To “fix a problem” that wasn’t fixable – and the harder he pushed me, the harder I pushed myself. For four years, I tried to please him and everyone else. EVERYONE, except me.

I was exhausted; my resilience was hanging by a thread.

Hands up if you’ve ever felt like this? 

In the process of being bullied, I started bullying myself. Every anxiety attack was my body was begging me to stop. Why didn’t I listen?

This was not foolish stubbornness. My “so-called” resilience had a dark side. I didn’t realise how something traumatic that happened to me when I was a young girl ~ I thought I was over it ~ would happen to me again as a woman in the workplace.

It was a sunny Saturday afternoon in Bredasdorp, my hometown near the most southern tip of Africa. I was 12 years old at the time and playing outside when it hit me. For the first time I understood what happened to me.

Almost immediately a voice inside me said: Go to his house – now! I dropped everything and ran to his house as fast as I could. I was relieved to find him and my eight-year-old sister in the kitchen making cakes. I joined in, and watched the situation like a hawk. After what felt like ages, I finally scraped the courage together to say: “We are going home now.” He begged me to allow my sister to stay just a little bit longer.

I stood up tall, looked him straight in the eye and said a firm NO. We are going home NOW. My very first ROAR! 🦁

That evening, I faced the impossible task of telling my parents about the sexual abuse that my sister and I suffered at the hands of Uncle Jim, a man who was like a grandfather to us. My parents trusted him. The shock and devastation in their eyes were pulpable. It broke their hearts.

Where was my courageous 12-year-old self, that day in the boardroom, when I needed her the most?

 After I told my parents, I blamed myself. I felt like a failure.

I failed to protect my sister. I felt responsible for my parents’ pain. I felt guilty for disrespecting an older man in our community. In those days children were seen and not heard.

I felt ashamed. The news spread like a wildfire in our little town, and before long, everyone knew. My traumatised 12-year-old brain was struggling to make sense of it all. I started exercising obsessively and restricted my food, desperate to feel in control and unable to bear the weight of my guilt and shame. Before long, I had a full-blown eating disorder. This spiral of self-destruction continued for 15 years, and eventually landed me in rehab.

In rehab, I became aware of my inner bully: the part of my brain that was crippling me with self-hatred, and the limiting belief that I am not enough – not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not thin enough. Not ~ fill in the blank ~ enough.

Little did I know at the time that it would take another 15 years – and a bully – to silence my inner bully – once and for all.

And this is how I found my ROAR!

ROAR! is a Blueprint for how I strive to live my best life every day – on PURPOSE, in my POWER and with the COURAGE to speak my truth. It is also a four-step process – for having fearless conversations – with myself and others.

Let’s have a closer look.

It starts with clarity on your AUTHENTIC PURPOSE. Which is based on your unique experiences, desires and gifts. We often find our purpose when we’re facing life’s toughest storms.

After I left my job, I felt empty and without purpose. BUT, when I thought my life was falling apart, it was falling into place. I just had to see it with my inner eyes – to find the meaning in my mess – to see how my abuse was in fact a gift.

My experience with different forms of abuse – including my self-abuse – taught me that ABUSE IS ABUSE – FULL STOP. The invisible scars cut deep. It also taught me that that the only way you can win is to let go and move on. If we live in the victim story, the abusers win.

This ignited a fire me - to give victims a voice – this is my authentic purpose.

Do you know yours? 

Stand in your POWER.

The power I am describing here isn’t a mood, an outfit, a moment or a pose. It’s the ability to access your deepest desires ~ winning your inner game ~ and to express these desires fully so you can influence yourself, others and the world at large ~ winning your outer game.

Do you know that you have all the power inside you to make all your dreams come true? 

Unfortunately, for many of us, the relationship with ourselves is the most toxic relationship we’ll ever be in. That voice of self-doubt inside our heads that basically lies to us all day long and tells us we are not enough.

If we don’t stop that voice in time, we start to believe the lies and once those lies take root as beliefs about ourselves, they can destroy our self-confidence and really affect all areas of our lives.

Your inner conversation – your inner ROAR! – has to be your biggest champion. WHY? Because, at the end of the day, we are who we tell ourselves we are.

“I AM” are the two most powerful words in the English dictionary. Whatever you put after “I AM” becomes your truth. So why not start telling yourself “I AM ENOUGH”… Believe you are enough.

You can turn your thoughts, feelings, words and actions into your four superpowers. But only if you prioritise YOU on your list of priorities. Self-care is a necessity, not a luxury.

Imagine yourself for a moment being thrown overboard into deep stormy waters – the boat is no longer your protection, YOU are – your mind and your body. And you have two choices only – you either sink or swim. 

Build your resilience muscle – your mental and physical stamina – before you need it, so you have the strength, the confidence and COURAGE; always ready to face life’s toughest storms.  

Always ready to ROAR! 

I’d now like you to think about a conversation with someone else that you are avoiding for whatever reason.

What will it take to have the conversation?  

Would you like to try my four-step ROAR! Process? 

OK... Picture the other person (you can close your eyes if you want to)

What do you want to get out of the conversation – what would be the best outcome?

How do you feel about the other person? How do you feel about yourself? I want you to go into this conversation with positive regard for yourself and the other person. With a  mindset of “I’m OK, you’re OK”…

So, let’s pick-up the conversation after you’ve stated clearly your position and what you want to get out if it… the other person is about to respond with some resistance.

Step 1: RECOGNISE their behaviour – what are they saying and doing? …. recognise your own thoughts & feelings… Regulate yourself. Stay calm. Remember” “I’m OK, you’re OK”

Step 2: OBSERVE … See the other person … really see them…  and listen attentively. Stay present.

Step 3: ASSERT… depending on their response, you will either say what you think, how you feel or you'll ask the appropriate question. It is important to focus on the impact of the other person’s behaviour (not their intention). Stay in your power zone – be clear on your rights and respect the rights of the other person

Repeat steps 1,2,3 as many times as necessary.

Then, when you’re ready, go to Step 4: REDIRECT the conversation towards win-win outcomes.

With ROAR! you can live your life on PURPOSE, in your POWER, and with the COURAGE to speak your truth. And you can face the difficult conversations – with yourself and others – head-on.

You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. YOU are your superpower.

If YOU can dream it | YOU can be it | YOU just have to BELIEVE it 

It's time to find your ROAR!