Letting go of the narcissist ...

I will never forget the series of text messages from someone I regarded as a friend, messages that were so brief, impersonal and direct they made me angry. Angry because I valued the friendship and they left me feeling like a junior member of her team, they were functional and direct, 'just the way I operate' is what I was told, when I challenged her. She went on to say that 'people appreciate my direct approach ... at work' ... and therein lies the rub. Very difficult to behave like that to people above you at work but somehow it's ok to insult someone you regard as an equal or junior. 

In thinking the scenario through I realised that when we start our careers and learn how to communicate in the workplace more often than not, the way we are treated, spoken to and dealt with sets the groundwork for narcissistic behaviour in many of us, the challenge is in choosing a different path that is inclusive and builds people up rather than breaks them down.

When faced with a person who is demeaning most people would just be quiet rather than rock, the boat, likewise when we are spoken to aggressively and managed by fear (something many senior managers do) we subconsciously learn that this is 'acceptable behaviour' and the way to get results and before we know it we treat others the same way. Justifying it as a means to an end. I need to behave like that to get the job done.

There is a difference between being demanding rather than demeaning.

If you think it is ok to behave like this you will become the narcissist in the office everyone loathes.

There are times when heated debate can easily contribute to the other person feeling badly treated, usually in ways we don't intend, in this scenario, it's so simple to give people the benefit of the doubt - assume you don't know what's going on in their lives that day and make a conscious effort to pick up where you left off at a later date.

The biggest dilemma is to do nothing or to fight back in the moment.

The best thing to do is at your soonest opportunity go and find out whatever was missing from the conversation. Head into it with curiosity rather than taking an aggressive approach. Try not to put them on the defensive by saying something like ... I don't know why you feel the need to control everything and demean me ... which is exactly what you'd want to do ... in taking this approach you are entering their world and telling them something about their character and they will argue.

The simplest thing is to separate intention VS impact - talk about the impact that previous exchange has had on you, more often than not they won't realise the ripple effect and how their behaviour impacts those around them.

The way we treat people matters a lot! Every leader has a responsibility to recruit, motivate and retain talented people, more importantly, its the right thing to do.

Think about how many hours we spend at work, in that time we have the right to be treated with dignity!

The message today is to simply let go of the narcissist ...

Whether that be in the way you are treated by your colleagues or bosses, realise that they may also have been treated like that, so choose to see beyond it, or in the way you treat others to get the job done, there is no need to do so, or the way you treat yourself ... this says more about you and your character than you know. 

There are a few things we can do to ensure a narcissist free environment, starting with screening them out of the recruitment process. 

To stop rewarding people who get results at the expense of others, this type of reward system creates a toxic culture.

And when someone is demeaning to you or to others around you see if you can find a respectful way to let them know what impact they've had on the conversation and if necessary minimise your interactions with them.

If that's not an option you can control how you view that person. Try seeing through the lens of someone who is an expert in identifying narcissism ... and start to feel lucky every time you see this incredible specimen in action. 

If you are struggling with a difficult situation at work and this story has resonated with you then I would love to hear more about your experiences and would like to invite you to complete my survey or message me with more details about your story.

Please CLICK HERE to complete my survey.

If you want to know a little more about it then please scroll down and read more below.

INVITATION TO PARTICIPATE IN MY STUDY ON WORKPLACE CULTURE

I need your support, please. I am conducting a study for my book, Roar! How to tame the bully, and I would be very grateful if you would participate in my study.

In my eBook, you will have read about my own experience with workplace bullying and its toll on my relationships and my health (mentally and physically). That is why I am determined to help others recognise the signs of workplace bullying early on and to take action before it is too late.

If you have worked in a situation where you have been the Witness or Target of:

1. behaviour that is intentionally negative and malicious, whether physical or emotional, from one or more persons,
2. negative behaviour that is consistently aggressive and persistent, and
3. behaviour that is driven by another person’s desire to obtain control.

Then I would like to invite you to participate in this study.

This survey is being sent to individuals working in organisations across all industries worldwide. Your participation will help assure that the results generated present an accurate reflection of the prevalence of bullying behaviour in workplace cultures today.

TO COMPLETE THE SURVEY - CLICK HERE

The survey is anonymous and treated in the strictest confidence. You may refuse to answer any question or quit the survey at any time. It will take approximately 10-20 minutes to complete.

I’d love to get industry and country-specific analysis too, so the more responses I get, the better, so please feel free to send this link to your colleagues.

Thank you in advance,

Marilise de Villiers

TO COMPLETE THE SURVEY - CLICK HERE

PS: Although there may be no direct benefit to the participant, there are possible benefits to organisations and society as a whole. Leaders, managers, and human resource personnel may learn techniques for identifying, investigating, and managing workplace bullying. Potential benefits to employees would include improved mental, physical and emotional well-being. Raising awareness of workplace bullying could potentially benefit leaders and organisations by increasing employee engagement and productivity.