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Why I didn't leave sooner: Reason #1

why i didn't leave sooner Mar 06, 2019

**Call for help** I have a favour to ask at the end of this blog please. Could you take 10-20 minutes to complete my global survey on workplace bullying? Your support will mean the world to me.

Reason #1: I didn't realise I was being bullied

Over recent months, I’ve been doing research on personality disorders in the context of workplace bullying (narcissism in particular). It’s for my book, “Roar! How to tame the bully”, where one of my main objectives is for people to recognise workplace bullying and challenge it (hence the title Roar!) early on. 

But before I go any further, I'll explain my use of the term 'bully'. I know this may not sit well with some people, so if this is the case, please hop over to my introductory blog Why I didn't leave sooner where I explain my use of this dirty word. If you missed this blog, I suggest you read it anyway, as it provides useful context and background for why it took me more than three years to leave a toxic work relationship.  

When I started my research, I was very much expecting to find all reasons why I could blame my bully for everything. Imagine my surprise when I realised that not only did the organisation’s culture play a role, but that I was partly to blame as well. Surely not?! I won’t lie, after this things got a little messy for me personally and I had to dig deep to deal with some of my own insecurities. But, it was a very cathartic experience, almost like self-therapy (if there is such a thing) ;-) 

So, I've learned that is not possible for bullies to ‘destruct and derail’ on their own. Much like a Fire Triangle where you need heat, oxygen and fuel for the fire to ignite, you need a Toxic Triangle of ingredients for a dysfunctional work relationship to thrive:

  • A hubristic, psychopathic person (destructive leader)
  • People to go along with it (susceptible followers)
  • An unregulated environment where people can get away with this stuff (conducive environment).


Which brings me back to: Reason #1: I didn't realise I was being bullied

For the first few months, I honestly didn’t realise I was being bullied. I was your typical susceptible follower - both colluding and conforming. 

When we first started working together it felt great. He was charismatic and inspired confidence in me. He boosted my self-esteem, made me feel like I was a key part of his winning team. It felt like - dare I say it - we were sharing similar world-views. This stroked my ambitious (and somewhat narcissistic) ego. One of the unexpected things I've come to learn is that the bullies resonate with their victims, because on an unconscious level, they both struggle with the same emotional issues. Eek... 

I also had unmet needs - so much to learn and prove in my new role that I justified a lot of his behaviour. Let’s face it, most of us don’t expect outright rudeness or dishonesty at work, so we tend to deny the shocking behaviour when we encounter it: “Surely, he didn’t just humiliate me in front of everyone?” or “She really didn’t just blame me for her error?” or “He’s just having a bad day.” Somehow, we convince ourselves it didn’t really happen. Worse, we blame ourselves. “I am just being overly sensitive” or “I just need to work a little harder” or “If I fix this, he’ll change”. We explain away our colleague’s bad behaviour for the same reason we dismiss the cruelty of a parent or a lover: we need them, we need the job to pay the bills and provide for our families. We can’t simply quit, and bullies will exploit this.

So, I denied or dismissed the behaviour in the hope that tomorrow would be better. It became such a rollercoaster ride: one day he would be a great boss to work for, only to turn into Frankenstein the next. The highs compensated for lows. And for a very long time, I genuinely thought that I was the problem, which is also reason #2 for why I didn’t leave sooner. I'll cover this in my next blog. Watch this space!


I am conducting a study on workplace bullying and the impact it has on people and organisations.

Invitation to participate in my study on Workplace Culture

I would be very grateful if you could complete a survey. It will take approximately 10-20 minutes, is anonymous and you may opt out at any time.

TO COMPLETE THE SURVEY - CLICK HERE

Your responses will be treated in the strictest confidence. You may refuse to answer any question or quit the survey at any time. 

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